Hush little heart

 

Hush hush little heart

You know you are not allowed to feel this way.

A tear drop or two ,

And then you shall freeze again. 

Hush hush little heart,

I know it hurts,

The cut shall turn into a scar,

Only then the pain shall numb 

You know that  drill too damn well

Hush hush little heart,

Those familiar melodies,

You want to sing and dance 

Now little heart,

Bury the music , at-least six feet underground they say.

Hush hush little heart

Haven’t you been praised enough??

Strong, stronger and strongest you have become

What more do you want??

Now now little heart,

You are just the way everyone wants,

Happy notes everywhere around,

Then why this weakened pulse 

Celestial encounter

Standing under a tree,

Waving right at me,

I run happily towards you, 

 a little dazed 

But you said you made an early return,

That voice I missed , the face I longed to see,

“You have lost some weight”, you said 

Reality strikes in, breaks my heart that it was only a dream.

But something deep down tells me,

It was more, 

So clear, definite and celeste.

You came to see me ,

My fluttering heartbeat,

tells me our brief encounter is over

I sigh to myself and say

I miss you too daddy.

Will i know?

“It’s the 7th may; Sunday. Outside it’s sunny and bright. All the flowers are blooming in mummy’s garden. It’s a beautiful day; all of us are with you ”... I pause 

He gasp for air; I look at mom and tell her that it’s time to let go. Mom tries to utter few sentences... I know she couldn’t do it; how could she possibly sum up the emotions of 33 yrs in just a minute or two. 

I squeeze his hand; his pulse is fading. Daddy you gave your best; we are so proud of you. You don’t have to fight anymore; it’s ok to go; we ll be fine and we ll miss you a lot. We love you daddy... my heart is going to crush as I summon all the strength to bid good bye. 

He slowly breaths last 3 times; his last life line.... and then there is silence. Dad has gone for 3 yrs now; and my heart still ache. I still cry when no one is watching. I look up at the sky when i go out  and talk to  you, convincing myself that the gods around would  convey my message to you. Every time I look after a jolly old patient, I feel in my heart that you would have been like that. There are times I feel like your soul is tied with the trees and the mountains; for you have loved nature all your life. Every tree i touch or every mountains i climb i feel closer to you. when ever I miss You , I listen to those songs that you used to sing and I see you strumming guitar or dancing with mom. 

I believe in fate and i know we will meet again somewhere, some day.  But, will i know?

Paper crane & i

The wall

Chimi slammed her humongous anatomy text book and stared at the blank wall. Of late, she just couldn't focus on anything. It was raining outside and she couldn't remember how long it has rained for, maybe since last night or maybe a few minutes ago. She wished the rain would stop, she loved the aftermath of rain, everything thing looked like they had a shower, nice and clean.  

She went back to staring on the blank wall, maybe she could connect to the plainness; of being there but not being noticed. Everything has a story,she thought. 

A strong wind blew, which almost startled her. Some wet leaves rushed in through the rusty brown window bars , which knocked off the pretty cards. She looked at the cards, the pink shinny one made her smile, she saw another one with pictures of red roses.she carefully arranged all the cards back on the window ledge except the one with roses, she meant to read them. 

She lied back on her chair. " I need to get a warm shower and start getting dressed for her dinner date with her friends" she thought." Oh my god , ST is gonna be there too" she blushed. She hoped he would finally ask her out. But the chances looked slim, she knew she could never compete with all those girls with stronger personality. The only thing in her capacity was to admire him from a distance. If only, she hoped. 

She felt so tired just doing nothing. She wondered why she has always been tired these days. Her back ache was a gnawing one and the joints felt like she could fall apart any time, like a wobbly table with lose screws. She rose up with all her effort and looked into her closet. She ran her fingers through her dresses, she saw a walking stick in the corner. That is another thing going odd, it must be mum or her sister or a ghost putting up unnecessary things in her room. Let it be ghost she thought, I have so many questions to ask. 

She stared back to the wall in nothing, complete silence, this time not thinking about anything. 

A song popped up in her head, she started to hum. It made her sad and tears danced to her feelings. 

She was inside the bathroom, there was a new window.  " umm, dad must have done it, I need to ask him why " she noted. She looked at the window. An old lady, with grey messy hair and wrinkly face was looking at her. It scared the hell out of her and she screamed. 

A man rushed into her room. She have never seen him before. This terrified her even more. "What's going on", she shrieked.

 "Who is that old lady"? 

"Who are you" ?

 "Get away from me"

" where is my  mom?"

When she opened her eyes, she was back on her bed. She turned and stared on the wall. She has to clean the house and pack lunch for her kids, but she just wanted to lie on the bed for sometime. She closed her eyes and went back into a deeper slumber

The card was still lying on the floor, it read:

Chimi, my baby,

We love you and always will. Dementia could take your memories away, don't worry it can't get to me, our memories are safe with me. Happy 60th birthday, my love.

Lots of love 

Your hubby ST 

and your darling daughters.

look for me

Find me in the warmth of the sun

and the story of the moon.

search for me among the million stars

chances are i am looking at it too.

In the echoes of the trees

and the dances of the breeze.

for i am a nature’s child.

You know where the grasses are green,

roses red and lavenders blue,

dews of crystal hues,

butterflies and fireflies,

autumn brown and winter white

look for me in the different shades,

for i am  in the colours you see.

listen to the ocean sing

or the noisy  busy lane,

listen to the drops of rain

or in the silence of the night.

listen to the rhythm of your beats

and the stillness in your veins.

for i am the music that you feel.

look for me among the dusty old books,

or in the fairytales and origamis.

look for me in classic love stories

or the old vintage store.

thats where a piece of me dwells.

Its not too hard , my dear

dont look for me in the flickers of your apps,

rather in the pages of the yesteryears.

A birthday wish

That shy little girl,

in her favorite red suit,

her curly pretty hair,

thats my earliest memory of you.

we use to play dolls,

of snows and leaves and mud

and then we grew, singing

songs of i and you.

we danced on roads,

cried and wrote notes

more about our newest crush

and less about our text books.

i have seen u cry, laugh and live

i have seen you in your birthday suit 

wink emoticon

you have held on strong

with every setting sun.

darling i am proud of you,

your infectious smile

and your pure heart,

those are just a part of you,

i love you just the way you are!!

"happy birthday"

A bonfire adieu:

                                                    

With each flicker of the fire, you go further away. All your memories are charred. You once used to breath, smile, love and live , now you can't even cry for yourself. The body you once cared for so deep, is turning into nothingness. How  long will that fire last? Can you feel that last warmth engulfing your cold self? Your physical presences is slowly reduced to smoke and ash. Are  you riding onto those smoke? Are you looking down at us? Do you see us weep? What about the ashes? Even that has to be sprayed into the river. Are you floating away from us? Is that the pathway to heaven? 

Where are you now? Is that the last of you….a bonfire adieu

Fall in love with as many things as possible

Every year I make a resolution on the New Year’s Eve. Come to think of it, it compiles of varieties of mixtures. For instance,

·        Turning into vegetarian

·        Lose weight and exercise every day

·        Stop drinking wine

·        Waking up early

·        Save more money

Well, you guessed it right!! Those were the resolution just for the first week of January. Total failure and don’t even think about the result. In the worst case scenario, you land up doing the complete opposite.

In my own opinion, making a resolution is a very smart idea. I mean, it’s the first day of the year and what better way than to start it afresh and anew.  What matters most though, is keeping it. And boy, keeping it is not for someone with a lazy goofy ass like mine.

So this year I gave a serious thought and came to a simple solution to my complicated resolution. We always make resolution that we can’t do, something that’s very difficult. Therefore, I decided that my resolution will be something that I can maintain. Just as I was thinking on what that should be, my resolution appeared in front of me.

I had recently brought myself a new top completely oblivion to the scribble on it, only in awe with its style. It was only after wearing it, someone read the statement “fall in love with as many things as possible”.  Voila!!!! That was it, that was the moment. My resolution for 2015 will be falling in love with as many things as possible.

Simple and easy, yet it has a strong and powerful meaning. Especially for me, getting caught up in my mundane life, I forget to appreciate all the beautiful things around me. So that’s it…..I will fill my life with lots of love and make myself a happier person. That way…I can make others happy too!!!

Novice photographer

If only I knew

What is this numbing pain in my heart

Sorrows like million gravels 

Pricks at different level

What is this  numbing pain in my heart

Soundless screams blast inside my head 

Yet it is adorned with a tiara 

What is this numbing pain in my heart

A heavy invisible load on my back

And I dance like a dried autumn leaf

If only I knew !!!!! 

My granny and me

In our little valley of Eden
I pluck the apples and you weed the garden,

Three cows, two black and one white
You herd them 
And I follow you.

One old hen 
I chase around the bushes  and you steal the eggs.

Two stray and one pet dog
I watch them gobble
Your exquisite mutt feast.

A smoky old kitchen 
I chop the greens and you heat the pan.
Mortar and pestle is my department 
While you churn the thick butter tea.

A small bag of goodies and my empty  tummy 
off we set to the neighbors Fiesta

Warm afternoon sun
A pair of tired legs and bunch of grey hair
 you feed me with raisins and sun dried fruits.
I massage your old body and pluck away the aging hair.

Your big baggy pocket
I call them the magic nest
Out comes all sort of things to keep me amused.

You tug me by your side 
Warm and cozy
You take me to places 
I can close my eyes and dream.
Stories and you , come as a parcel.

One bitter nut, wrapped in a leaf
One hard dried cheese
You gnaw on one and I the other

My granny and me
Hand in hand
Smiling all the way.

Love at first sight

I must have been ten. My dad took me somewhere. I don't even remember the reason. He went to get his errand done and I was to wait in my dad's old beaten up blue jeep. That's where I heard people clapping and shouting. I assumed some kind of show being performed.  I couldn't content my curious little self. 

I  followed the direction of the really inviting noise. It wasnt much far , just a few steps behind our jeep. I reached the scenario. I saw a huge crowd, cheering and eyes glued. It was a basketball match.

Those where in the early 90s in a small place called Bumthang. Bumthang was very far from all  the modernisation and was considered a remote place.I was familiar with basketball. I saw my brother in the court every day. I never really cared, until that evening. 

What caught my attention was among the men playing basketball, I saw a lady too. For me that was the first time seeing a lady play amongst men. Oh, and she was so smart. She wore a purple short slacks and a white t-shirt. She tied her long black hair way up pony, she was tall and fit,  and when she made her score , my jaw dropped down. Right then and there I knew I wanted to be like her.

Growing up in a remote place, to see such a sight, during those days was a great opportunity. Ever since that day, I have never looked back. I always imagined myself to be that fine lady and practiced religiously. Of course, it was not until another few years I played for my class, 
then my house and then my school. I enjoyed the game so much. Having a bad eyesight was not a great help but that didn't slow me down either.I must have broken couple of glasses, till I could play well. I don't consider myself an awesome player and not being modest either. There is nothing I want more than to play basketball forever. I love the sound of the ball dribbling, I love it when my heart is about to burst, I love it when I am drenched in my sweat, I love the aniticipation, the fear and the focus, I love bonding with my team and ofcourse I love making scores.  I am satisfied with my endeavour, maybe in my next life, I can make it big ;-)

With time and responsibilities, my practice has dwindled. But I must say, basketball has been one of my best decision in life. I have so many memories to ponder on, made so many friends on the way, learnt valuable lessons, got enough scars as medals and later was able to influence my students as well. 

I do wonder about that lady. If I ever meet her, I would like to thank her for being my inspiration.

I reminiscence about my very first encounter and call it ' love at first sight'.

The promise

(I tried my hands on short stories a couple of years ago)

I know, I will never forget the first time I met her.  It was a new place for me. I am not very keen on visiting new places or making new friends. I preferred being alone but of course I had few close friends. Everybody thought I was loner.

 So it was the new place and my first day to the new school. My mother was supposed to drop me but as usual she had an important meeting. Well, I really don't remember my mother being a mother to me. Of course I had my father, who expressed more warmth than my busy mother. I remember, he used to cook for me ,bathe me, dress me, teach me, take me for shopping and told me bedtime stories. But that didn't last long till he got succumbed to drinking. Drinking was his world, his wife,  his son, his work, his food and everything. I don't know how he got into such messy habit. I hardly see anyone of them these days. My work keeps me occupied.

On my way to the school, I saw a little girl with a mole on her upper right lips; yup her mole is the first thing I saw.  She was six and her first day to school. I was eight. Crouched on the road, her lunch box lying around lifelessly and a mutt feasting himself off the delicious egg curry. She was crying.  I went closer, not so sure what to do. I picked up her lunch box , chased away the black dog and stood their staring at her. “Stop staring at me and give me your hand”, she said sobbing. I did and she pulled herself up. Her right knee was skinned. She walked away. I followed her.  “And why are you following me now?” she questioned. I stammered “I don't know”. She laughed. We became friends. 

She was my complete opposite. She wanted to see the world and travel around. She loved everything that made her smile. Roses and ice creams made her smile, rainbows and fresh spring flowers made her smile, kittens and dogs made her smile, which pretty much didn't change for the rest of her life.  

She used to stay few blocks away from my house. Unlike me she was born and brought up in the same town. Maybe that's why she always wanted to see the world outside. She lived in a traditional Bhutanese house. I later found out that she was raised by her only grandfather. Her parents had died in a car accident when she was two.

We always used to meet near the lake below her house. She made me do her home works most of the time, While she would be singing songs and plucking flowers. We used to share about our lives.  It was during one such day she told me about the importance of making a promise. ” Never make a promise you cant keep, coz a broken promise is like a broken heart…… my parents promised me that they would return in few days and they never did, so you see, I don't make promises.” In a way I felt like an ass in front of her. She knew so much and she was so smart. Well, she did all the talking and laughing. Me, I did all the listening and staring. 

There was a time when her grandfather had a minor heart attack and she had rushed to the hospital. I found out later during the day. So I went to see her. She was sitting near her grandfather. She was crying. I was walking towards her.  I didn't see the cable which the nurse was trying to connect to one of the machines. I tripped and slammed down and sprained my wrist. She couldn't stop giggling "you are so funny, you make me laugh”, and I smiled forgetting the excruciating pain while sitting next to her, my right arm in a sling, and smiling like a dumb ass. 

After I  completed my 12^th standard, my mother decided to send me to study medicine. I had no ambition of my own. I guess I never wanted anything out of my life. Well I met keza at the lake the day before I left for my studies. ” I guess, there wont be anyone who would make me smile when I cry” said keza vaguely. “Don't cry, if you ever do, you will find me near you”. …I teased. ” yeah right, like in movies” and we both laughed. Before we departed we planted a sapling each. Which was of course was her idea. “I will water it every day and take care of our tree.” …. She was smilingly while planting ” these trees are the symbol of our friendship”.  ” you see you wont be the only one getting to go outside. In few years I will move out of this town as well. I don't know what will happen to our trees then. But promise me we will meet at this place once again, at the same time, same date 10 years from now” . “I promise”.

In time our correspondence dwindled. Those days we didn't had internet or mobile phones. I wish we did. A letter would take a month to reach oversea.

But we always made a point of keeping in touch. I wrote to her mentioning that I was in love with a foreigner, way much prettier than her. I also mentioned that I have changed. I was not that lonely shy boy anymore. I was quite a heartthrob now.  She replied that she wanted to see my chilip zam and confirm it herself. She also wrote that she got scholarship to study in India. She sounded very excited. That was the last letter I received from her. I made all sorts of assumptions, like she was busy with her studies, or she must be in a relation, this and that. But none of it was comforting. I called my mother.  ” I thought you knew?” my mother enquired. “know what”. “its been more than a year” ” will you tell me?” I questioned. ” Keza got hit by a truck last year, she was badly injured,  she died in the hospital” I hung up…….i couldn't believe what I just heard and worst of all its been more than a year. “That clumsy girl ” I thought, she must have cried.

Its exactly ten years now since we last met. The trees are all grown. I didnt know what we planted then. But now I can see that it was cherry trees. Fully grown, adorned with fresh pink flowers. The lake is converted to a beautiful park. Keza would have been happy to see the changes. I know she doesn't like promises to be broken. I kept mine but she couldn't keep hers. All our memories flooded in and it still hurts that I couldn't be there when she cried her last.  As evening approached the park got filled with children of all ages and adults. Everyone looked happy.  By dusk everyone had left. I was about to leave  when I saw a women with a cradle. It seemed like the babysitter had a date. They sat under our tree. I smiled and turned to leave. Just then the baby cried. ” I wish kezang wouldn't cry now” grumbled the babysitter. Something struck me. Did she just said keza??? Cant be?? Impossible?  The maid was annoyed at the baby who wouldn't stop crying. Something told me that I should hold the baby. I went closer and asked the maid to let me hold the baby for a while. She willing handed over the baby to me. The babysitter was awestruck ” she stopped crying”  … she whispered.  I looked at the baby's face now smiling, she had a mole on her right upper lips.

Its my keza. She kept her promise.

A note to my younger self

Dearest little yechay,

Don't worry, I am not going to spoil your suspense although you have always wanted to know how your future unfolds. But I will tell you this much :

Spend more time with your parents and take plenty of pictures with them,it's painful to see them get old and tire.but you will atleast have their memories with you.

Make as many best friends as you can because the older you get, the harder it is to find good, trust worthy friends.

Respect your teachers in school but don't be afraid to ask questions, after all no questions are silly ones. On that note,
pay more attention in Dzongkha and Math classes. They will have a determing role in your life.

You don't have to be the best in everything but posses the best of hearts, that will take you a long way.

Love your siblings dearly but remember loving them does not mean protecting them from their mistakes.

Read lots of books, they will improve your vocabulary. Plus don't ever drop your habit of writing and start blogging now....I mean you probably don't know about blog yet,but what the heck, just don't let that pen slide off.

Relish the times you spent  at the farm house with your grandparents. Trust me it's worth every second. Hold their hands boldly and don't let their wrinkles fool you from seeing the twinkles in their eyes and wisdom in their souls. Of all, don't forget to plant a kiss on their forehead.

When you come across people who hurt you, don't act on your impulse.Say you are sorry even if it's not your fault.

When you learn about heartbreak and betrayal, don't make a drama out of it. Remember every lesson in life will teach you something. Know that you don't have the right to judge anyone. God is there to set everything straight.

When you meet failure, don't be all sad and demotivated. You can only give your best but you cannot erase your bad karma.infact rejoice that it has happened to you. You will understand what I mean.

When you fall terribly sick, and mom n dad does everything to make u feel better, make sure you say thank you.

Don't forget to pray because where nothing helps , prayers does miracle. Oh yes, miracles does exists, you just need to pray harder.

Rejoice that you are a Bhutanese.love your national dress, your language, love everything about Bhutan because it is one of a kind. I know you do.

Watch out your diet and exercise regularly,  drink plenty of water.please please take this one seriously. ;-)

When you meet your Mr right, hold on tight and don't give up on the hurdles. Don't wait for the right time, because there is no such thing as a right time.

Learn to control your emotions. Don't pour out your heart to everyother person with a pretty smile, not everyone thinks alike and that's not their fault. This will save you from being disappointed a dozen of times.

No work is too low or too high,too easy or too tedious, it's all in your mind. The grass is always greener on the other side and it's true till the core.

When people judge you for being the quiet type, you don't have to try to fit in. The people who loves you will embrace you despite your shortcomings.

Do what you like to do, go where you want to go, meet who ever you want to meet, speak your mind, you just get this one shot in life, don't waste  it trying to make it perfect or living upto people's expectations. No-one is perfect and expectations are never ending.So just focus on living the RIGHT way and not the perfect way.

*just a sneak peek : you turn out fine so far :-D