Novice photographer

If only I knew

What is this numbing pain in my heart

Sorrows like million gravels 

Pricks at different level

What is this  numbing pain in my heart

Soundless screams blast inside my head 

Yet it is adorned with a tiara 

What is this numbing pain in my heart

A heavy invisible load on my back

And I dance like a dried autumn leaf

If only I knew !!!!! 

My granny and me

In our little valley of Eden
I pluck the apples and you weed the garden,

Three cows, two black and one white
You herd them 
And I follow you.

One old hen 
I chase around the bushes  and you steal the eggs.

Two stray and one pet dog
I watch them gobble
Your exquisite mutt feast.

A smoky old kitchen 
I chop the greens and you heat the pan.
Mortar and pestle is my department 
While you churn the thick butter tea.

A small bag of goodies and my empty  tummy 
off we set to the neighbors Fiesta

Warm afternoon sun
A pair of tired legs and bunch of grey hair
 you feed me with raisins and sun dried fruits.
I massage your old body and pluck away the aging hair.

Your big baggy pocket
I call them the magic nest
Out comes all sort of things to keep me amused.

You tug me by your side 
Warm and cozy
You take me to places 
I can close my eyes and dream.
Stories and you , come as a parcel.

One bitter nut, wrapped in a leaf
One hard dried cheese
You gnaw on one and I the other

My granny and me
Hand in hand
Smiling all the way.

Love at first sight

I must have been ten. My dad took me somewhere. I don't even remember the reason. He went to get his errand done and I was to wait in my dad's old beaten up blue jeep. That's where I heard people clapping and shouting. I assumed some kind of show being performed.  I couldn't content my curious little self. 

I  followed the direction of the really inviting noise. It wasnt much far , just a few steps behind our jeep. I reached the scenario. I saw a huge crowd, cheering and eyes glued. It was a basketball match.

Those where in the early 90s in a small place called Bumthang. Bumthang was very far from all  the modernisation and was considered a remote place.I was familiar with basketball. I saw my brother in the court every day. I never really cared, until that evening. 

What caught my attention was among the men playing basketball, I saw a lady too. For me that was the first time seeing a lady play amongst men. Oh, and she was so smart. She wore a purple short slacks and a white t-shirt. She tied her long black hair way up pony, she was tall and fit,  and when she made her score , my jaw dropped down. Right then and there I knew I wanted to be like her.

Growing up in a remote place, to see such a sight, during those days was a great opportunity. Ever since that day, I have never looked back. I always imagined myself to be that fine lady and practiced religiously. Of course, it was not until another few years I played for my class, 
then my house and then my school. I enjoyed the game so much. Having a bad eyesight was not a great help but that didn't slow me down either.I must have broken couple of glasses, till I could play well. I don't consider myself an awesome player and not being modest either. There is nothing I want more than to play basketball forever. I love the sound of the ball dribbling, I love it when my heart is about to burst, I love it when I am drenched in my sweat, I love the aniticipation, the fear and the focus, I love bonding with my team and ofcourse I love making scores.  I am satisfied with my endeavour, maybe in my next life, I can make it big ;-)

With time and responsibilities, my practice has dwindled. But I must say, basketball has been one of my best decision in life. I have so many memories to ponder on, made so many friends on the way, learnt valuable lessons, got enough scars as medals and later was able to influence my students as well. 

I do wonder about that lady. If I ever meet her, I would like to thank her for being my inspiration.

I reminiscence about my very first encounter and call it ' love at first sight'.

The promise

(I tried my hands on short stories a couple of years ago)

I know, I will never forget the first time I met her.  It was a new place for me. I am not very keen on visiting new places or making new friends. I preferred being alone but of course I had few close friends. Everybody thought I was loner.

 So it was the new place and my first day to the new school. My mother was supposed to drop me but as usual she had an important meeting. Well, I really don't remember my mother being a mother to me. Of course I had my father, who expressed more warmth than my busy mother. I remember, he used to cook for me ,bathe me, dress me, teach me, take me for shopping and told me bedtime stories. But that didn't last long till he got succumbed to drinking. Drinking was his world, his wife,  his son, his work, his food and everything. I don't know how he got into such messy habit. I hardly see anyone of them these days. My work keeps me occupied.

On my way to the school, I saw a little girl with a mole on her upper right lips; yup her mole is the first thing I saw.  She was six and her first day to school. I was eight. Crouched on the road, her lunch box lying around lifelessly and a mutt feasting himself off the delicious egg curry. She was crying.  I went closer, not so sure what to do. I picked up her lunch box , chased away the black dog and stood their staring at her. “Stop staring at me and give me your hand”, she said sobbing. I did and she pulled herself up. Her right knee was skinned. She walked away. I followed her.  “And why are you following me now?” she questioned. I stammered “I don't know”. She laughed. We became friends. 

She was my complete opposite. She wanted to see the world and travel around. She loved everything that made her smile. Roses and ice creams made her smile, rainbows and fresh spring flowers made her smile, kittens and dogs made her smile, which pretty much didn't change for the rest of her life.  

She used to stay few blocks away from my house. Unlike me she was born and brought up in the same town. Maybe that's why she always wanted to see the world outside. She lived in a traditional Bhutanese house. I later found out that she was raised by her only grandfather. Her parents had died in a car accident when she was two.

We always used to meet near the lake below her house. She made me do her home works most of the time, While she would be singing songs and plucking flowers. We used to share about our lives.  It was during one such day she told me about the importance of making a promise. ” Never make a promise you cant keep, coz a broken promise is like a broken heart…… my parents promised me that they would return in few days and they never did, so you see, I don't make promises.” In a way I felt like an ass in front of her. She knew so much and she was so smart. Well, she did all the talking and laughing. Me, I did all the listening and staring. 

There was a time when her grandfather had a minor heart attack and she had rushed to the hospital. I found out later during the day. So I went to see her. She was sitting near her grandfather. She was crying. I was walking towards her.  I didn't see the cable which the nurse was trying to connect to one of the machines. I tripped and slammed down and sprained my wrist. She couldn't stop giggling "you are so funny, you make me laugh”, and I smiled forgetting the excruciating pain while sitting next to her, my right arm in a sling, and smiling like a dumb ass. 

After I  completed my 12^th standard, my mother decided to send me to study medicine. I had no ambition of my own. I guess I never wanted anything out of my life. Well I met keza at the lake the day before I left for my studies. ” I guess, there wont be anyone who would make me smile when I cry” said keza vaguely. “Don't cry, if you ever do, you will find me near you”. …I teased. ” yeah right, like in movies” and we both laughed. Before we departed we planted a sapling each. Which was of course was her idea. “I will water it every day and take care of our tree.” …. She was smilingly while planting ” these trees are the symbol of our friendship”.  ” you see you wont be the only one getting to go outside. In few years I will move out of this town as well. I don't know what will happen to our trees then. But promise me we will meet at this place once again, at the same time, same date 10 years from now” . “I promise”.

In time our correspondence dwindled. Those days we didn't had internet or mobile phones. I wish we did. A letter would take a month to reach oversea.

But we always made a point of keeping in touch. I wrote to her mentioning that I was in love with a foreigner, way much prettier than her. I also mentioned that I have changed. I was not that lonely shy boy anymore. I was quite a heartthrob now.  She replied that she wanted to see my chilip zam and confirm it herself. She also wrote that she got scholarship to study in India. She sounded very excited. That was the last letter I received from her. I made all sorts of assumptions, like she was busy with her studies, or she must be in a relation, this and that. But none of it was comforting. I called my mother.  ” I thought you knew?” my mother enquired. “know what”. “its been more than a year” ” will you tell me?” I questioned. ” Keza got hit by a truck last year, she was badly injured,  she died in the hospital” I hung up…….i couldn't believe what I just heard and worst of all its been more than a year. “That clumsy girl ” I thought, she must have cried.

Its exactly ten years now since we last met. The trees are all grown. I didnt know what we planted then. But now I can see that it was cherry trees. Fully grown, adorned with fresh pink flowers. The lake is converted to a beautiful park. Keza would have been happy to see the changes. I know she doesn't like promises to be broken. I kept mine but she couldn't keep hers. All our memories flooded in and it still hurts that I couldn't be there when she cried her last.  As evening approached the park got filled with children of all ages and adults. Everyone looked happy.  By dusk everyone had left. I was about to leave  when I saw a women with a cradle. It seemed like the babysitter had a date. They sat under our tree. I smiled and turned to leave. Just then the baby cried. ” I wish kezang wouldn't cry now” grumbled the babysitter. Something struck me. Did she just said keza??? Cant be?? Impossible?  The maid was annoyed at the baby who wouldn't stop crying. Something told me that I should hold the baby. I went closer and asked the maid to let me hold the baby for a while. She willing handed over the baby to me. The babysitter was awestruck ” she stopped crying”  … she whispered.  I looked at the baby's face now smiling, she had a mole on her right upper lips.

Its my keza. She kept her promise.

A note to my younger self

Dearest little yechay,

Don't worry, I am not going to spoil your suspense although you have always wanted to know how your future unfolds. But I will tell you this much :

Spend more time with your parents and take plenty of pictures with them,it's painful to see them get old and tire.but you will atleast have their memories with you.

Make as many best friends as you can because the older you get, the harder it is to find good, trust worthy friends.

Respect your teachers in school but don't be afraid to ask questions, after all no questions are silly ones. On that note,
pay more attention in Dzongkha and Math classes. They will have a determing role in your life.

You don't have to be the best in everything but posses the best of hearts, that will take you a long way.

Love your siblings dearly but remember loving them does not mean protecting them from their mistakes.

Read lots of books, they will improve your vocabulary. Plus don't ever drop your habit of writing and start blogging now....I mean you probably don't know about blog yet,but what the heck, just don't let that pen slide off.

Relish the times you spent  at the farm house with your grandparents. Trust me it's worth every second. Hold their hands boldly and don't let their wrinkles fool you from seeing the twinkles in their eyes and wisdom in their souls. Of all, don't forget to plant a kiss on their forehead.

When you come across people who hurt you, don't act on your impulse.Say you are sorry even if it's not your fault.

When you learn about heartbreak and betrayal, don't make a drama out of it. Remember every lesson in life will teach you something. Know that you don't have the right to judge anyone. God is there to set everything straight.

When you meet failure, don't be all sad and demotivated. You can only give your best but you cannot erase your bad karma.infact rejoice that it has happened to you. You will understand what I mean.

When you fall terribly sick, and mom n dad does everything to make u feel better, make sure you say thank you.

Don't forget to pray because where nothing helps , prayers does miracle. Oh yes, miracles does exists, you just need to pray harder.

Rejoice that you are a Bhutanese.love your national dress, your language, love everything about Bhutan because it is one of a kind. I know you do.

Watch out your diet and exercise regularly,  drink plenty of water.please please take this one seriously. ;-)

When you meet your Mr right, hold on tight and don't give up on the hurdles. Don't wait for the right time, because there is no such thing as a right time.

Learn to control your emotions. Don't pour out your heart to everyother person with a pretty smile, not everyone thinks alike and that's not their fault. This will save you from being disappointed a dozen of times.

No work is too low or too high,too easy or too tedious, it's all in your mind. The grass is always greener on the other side and it's true till the core.

When people judge you for being the quiet type, you don't have to try to fit in. The people who loves you will embrace you despite your shortcomings.

Do what you like to do, go where you want to go, meet who ever you want to meet, speak your mind, you just get this one shot in life, don't waste  it trying to make it perfect or living upto people's expectations. No-one is perfect and expectations are never ending.So just focus on living the RIGHT way and not the perfect way.

*just a sneak peek : you turn out fine so far :-D

It snowed

It snowed today, first august of 2014. Even though it lasted for merely a couple of minutes, it snowed. Along with the soft, frail flakes it also brought about lots of lost smiles and to me it brought something special. It ignited the warmth in my heart, which felt like home. Even if just for a while, it filled that space in me which was craving for that familiar feeling.

Having brought up amidst deformed snow man and screaming snow fights, freezing hands and toes, apple red cheeks and cracked lips, warm ovens and mother's extra delicious porridge, thick knitwear double or triple layered, old pair of gloves and energy that never exhausted with never ending laughters of snort oozing friends....... a few minutes of snow flurries was all it needed to transport me  to my home.

Today when it snowed, It felt like home far, far,far away from home. :-)

Who am I?

 

“Who am I??”

 Lately this question has been looming inside my head occupying the space for my free thoughts. There is no determining reason so as to ponder on this question. Or maybe the underlying fact that there is no reason is the reason for this uncanny state of my mundane mind.

So, who am I really??? Am i everything that you see?Am I the sum total of everything that has happened to me. Am I my name,family or the schools i attended?Am I my religion? Am I my graduate degree certificate or am I my profession? Am i that little girl trimmed and groomed by the society?Am i the friends i made  and the people I know? Am i my achievements and the mistakes that i have made? Am i the responsible daughter and the good sister or the loving wife? Am I the music that I hum to and the beats that I tap to? Am I the words that I speak  or the dreams I sleep to?Am i the reflection of everything that i have seen, done and learned?

 Or am I everything that I didnot do or everything that i am not?

 Am I the brave girl who dreams of traveling far and wide, befriended the pirates and shared their rum, am I the fair princess who lived in the golden palace, am I  lad riding the dragons and singing the song of victory, am I the nun vowed to help the sentient beings, am I the beggar scavenging food from dogs, or am I the thief or a murderer with vile, venomous  thoughts, am i the pretty sluts with fake smiles and white hearts, am i the stinking sick bastard, am i the poet with an unquenching lust for beauty and words,  am i the kings who promised and failed? Am i everything i could not be?

Eventually how do i sum up? which one is it? am i everything i did or everything i did not? or maybe both? Or am I just flesh and blood hanging on the beats of my heart? As confusing as it sounds but once my ashes mix with the dirt then who am I really?????

I wonder !!!

With each passing day my obsession for Johnny Depp (jd) has become stronger, intense and bigger. I have never met a die heart fan and so I have got the vaguest knowledge of the word 'fan'. Although I do consider myself a big fan. I wish there was a rule book for fans to follow. I have realized that it's easier for me to follow a rule than to break one. Which succumbs me to a boring type of fan. I have my own tales of bravery but that's a total different genre, until next time.
I don't even remember how young I was when I first saw him. All I know is I saw this good looking man in a movie and I knew I liked him on that instant. After that I didn't care what movie it was as long as JD was in it, that was that for me. But slowly I did figure out that he was and still is a fabulous actor.I was more mystified by the roles that he played. He has always something new to share. These days I don't miss any of his movies and if I am not mistaken I must have watched most of his movies. Yesterday I watched Transcendence and it left me wanting more.
My mobile gallery has more photos of Johnny Depp than myself. I do fancy other actors. But with them it doesn't last long. To meet JD is in my long 'to do' list. A dream almost impossible for someone like me. I think so much about JD, I wonder if I ever appear in his dreams or maybe even get a hiccup ( silly me ).
I could list all his movies and his entire bio data but I don't wanna sound like wikepedia. I have got feelings and damn  they are authentic.
On a more realistic note, if I do come across Johnny Depp...I wonder what will I do. Will I scream and jump in ecstasy
Or be dumbstruck ...I wonder , I wonder.

On friendship

“You know someday I will write about us, our friendship," i said to my best friend.

 I don’t have an exorbitant tale to share. Maybe because it is ordinary it makes our friendship all the more extraordinary. Come to think about it,  we where NOT the famous ones, crazy ones, studious ones, naughty ones, pretty or not even ugly ones. We definitely did not go around our neighborhood solving mysteries or forget about going on a crazy travel adventure (which I would love to one day).

But our friendship was impeccable because we were a little bit of everything and by that I mean a little bit famous or infamous, a tiny bit crazy, a little more naughty, with a small sense of responsibility, fear of doing something wrong but stronger urge to do it anyway. We completed each other like a jigsaw fit. We were the perfect awesome threesome. We were the 3^ups and we were very happy.

I came up with the name 3^ups for our group during our night overs. It was three of us, me, Rada and Tshomo and ups with that arrow pointing up represents that we will always soar high up in life.. (sounds cheeky now but back then it was a total keeper). 

Rada is the tall, slim, pretty and shy one. The one who always looks beautiful even when she wakes up in the morning. She was not the talker but she was the kindest one. She is an emotional fool and can never say no to anyone.She was the one who always tagged along no matter what the plan was. She was the knot which tied our friendship. 

Tshomo can talk nonstop. She was the clumsy one, who gets her foot caught in a cattle trap, ( I mean, who gets their foot caught in a cattle trap…its so big and obvious), bangs her head here or skin her knee there. she was also the most interesting one in our group. She was the laughter in our friendship. I have never seen her complain, nag or whine. Even when she comes to school looking like an old lady.  She is always smiling. Oh and of course she is pretty too, if not for here tweety lips and bold forehead, she had lovely hair (Tshomo mind you if you are reading this, I was describing you back then. You are a heartthrob now.)

Then there is me and I write. 

Times have changed and we are getting older. We are all absorbed in carrying out our functions. We are apart and hardly get time for each other. In this subtle life, it’s only our memories that is absolute. As I write this I see the three of us, laughing and teasing each other as we are walking down towards the basketball court, I see us in the forest sharing our dreams, I see us in the small bed squeezed but sleeping contently,I see us going for walks on the busy highway, I see us shivering on cold winter nights, I see us practicing dance and preparing speeches, I see us preparing for our exams, I see us watching horror movies all night long, I see us with a cone ice cream in our hands on a hot Saturday afternoon, I see us planning our next prank, I see us scared of our parents,  I see us smiling at each other.